Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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