Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
