my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
