If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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