just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
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