I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
