I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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