I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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