You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
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Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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