Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and you fell through a lawn chair
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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