tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
