I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
