well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
