Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
