Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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