The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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