If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
