downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
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If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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They are going to name an STD after you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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