I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
