I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
