Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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