You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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