i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
