Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
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We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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