I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
