Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
