I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
