It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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