remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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