I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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