I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
