this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
