I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
