I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
