I wish my penis had an off switch
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
