a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
