Swine flu. Run for my life!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
