so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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