I can text with my tongue
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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