I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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