Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
