you guys were way drunker than both of me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
