remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
