That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
