If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
