I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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