I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
