so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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