he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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