i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
