apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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