He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
