I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
