dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
